I decided to die this year. I don't say this to shock you. I say this because it's true. On April 1, 2018, I decided I no longer wanted to live and tried to say goodbye to my husband before trying to take my own life. I just couldn't take it anymore.
After hours and hours of trying to get up the courage to admit I had a problem I couldn't solve; I finally relented to being taken to a psychiatric hospital.
No more could I hide behind a façade of smiles.
No more could I lie to everyone I encountered.
I was so tired of pretending.
I was so tired of cutting and hurting myself just to feel "in control" of my emotions.
It was over.
I wanted to be over.
I wanted to never relive the pain and anguish of my childhood sexual assault.
I wanted to be able to be happy or die.
And I couldn't be happy. Oh no.
There was no light at the end of the tunnel.
No smiles.
No joy.
No hope.
Only darkness and an overwhelming urge to sleep.
Forever.
My husband kept trying anyway. Regardless of the pushback he received. Regardless of the anger and rage I bestowed upon him. Regardless of the hate-filled words and looks - the snarls of answers he would receive - he kept trying. And it's because of him that I am here today. He wore me down. You see, I was already so very tired. And he was like the Energizer Bunny of "please don't go" and "I love you so". Seriously. I know that without his insistence I wouldn't have gone on my own. I was ashamed. And so tired.
I spent a week in the hospital and months and months of intensive outpatient therapy. I only stopped because I've moved two states away to get a fresh perspective and change of scenery. Don't worry - I'm already being treated by someone here. I'm already reaching out to therapists and counselors. I'm working the 'program' as best I can and don't want to get back to that dark place of nothingness.
I tell you this because I want to be transparent. I want to be real. I don't want to hide. I don't want to drown in the misery of "I'm fine" and "It's ok" because the truth of the matter is I am not fine and it is not ok. I still have a LOT to work through. That's what this blog is about. I want to be real. To knock the stigma of mental health right off it's rocker.
I thank God for my husband and his insistence that I needed help.
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, there is hope. Please contact the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine at 800-273-8255 or online at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
