I decided to die this year. I don't say this to shock you. I say this because it's true. On April 1, 2018, I decided I no longer wanted to live and tried to say goodbye to my husband before trying to take my own life. I just couldn't take it anymore.
After hours and hours of trying to get up the courage to admit I had a problem I couldn't solve; I finally relented to being taken to a psychiatric hospital.
No more could I hide behind a façade of smiles.
No more could I lie to everyone I encountered.
I was so tired of pretending.
I was so tired of cutting and hurting myself just to feel "in control" of my emotions.
It was over.
I wanted to be over.
I wanted to never relive the pain and anguish of my childhood sexual assault.
I wanted to be able to be happy or die.
And I couldn't be happy. Oh no.
There was no light at the end of the tunnel.
No smiles.
No joy.
No hope.
Only darkness and an overwhelming urge to sleep.
Forever.
My husband kept trying anyway. Regardless of the pushback he received. Regardless of the anger and rage I bestowed upon him. Regardless of the hate-filled words and looks - the snarls of answers he would receive - he kept trying. And it's because of him that I am here today. He wore me down. You see, I was already so very tired. And he was like the Energizer Bunny of "please don't go" and "I love you so". Seriously. I know that without his insistence I wouldn't have gone on my own. I was ashamed. And so tired.
I spent a week in the hospital and months and months of intensive outpatient therapy. I only stopped because I've moved two states away to get a fresh perspective and change of scenery. Don't worry - I'm already being treated by someone here. I'm already reaching out to therapists and counselors. I'm working the 'program' as best I can and don't want to get back to that dark place of nothingness.
I tell you this because I want to be transparent. I want to be real. I don't want to hide. I don't want to drown in the misery of "I'm fine" and "It's ok" because the truth of the matter is I am not fine and it is not ok. I still have a LOT to work through. That's what this blog is about. I want to be real. To knock the stigma of mental health right off it's rocker.
I thank God for my husband and his insistence that I needed help.
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, there is hope. Please contact the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine at 800-273-8255 or online at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
I love you, sister. So much.
ReplyDeleteI love you, little sister. You have my heart. Miss you.
Deletei want to give you a hug..cloae your eyes...and smile..
ReplyDeleteyour a brave woman..domt ever forget that
Thanks for your kind words. I'll gladly accept your hug.
DeleteWow. Moving words. I know these feelings all too well—and have fought through a lot of shame because I am a minister. I spent so much time thinking, “How am I qualified to minister to people when I want to die or feel so overwhelmed that I end up feeling nothing?” I have had a wonderful counselor who has worked with me in embracing this as part of who I am (right now) and that there is no shame. My struggle can help others, if I’m transparent, like you have so beautifully shared here. I have also been blessed with a wonderful boyfriend who, like your husband, has not given up on me and holds me while I weep and admit to him that I don’t love him at all in that moment because I simply don’t feel at all. It’s messy, hard, and feels darn near impossible to overcome some days, but we can do it! I don’t really know you—your husband was a beloved barista to me and “Beardy”—but I still feel a connection and love for you through our sisterhood in Christ. Blessings to you, sister, and keep fighting the good fight. <3
ReplyDeleteThank you, Elena, for being open and honest about your struggles. I understand the ministry aspect of it and how frightening it can be to try and open up to your congregation. Know that I'm praying for y'all as well and if you ever need to talk - I'm just a Facebook message away.
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